Prologue
Now, Before the Buddha, I Speak My Vows (2)
That night, she experienced a camp riot.
In that place of killing and desolation, a series of piercing, mournful howls jolted her awake. The men who had accompanied them were all close-protection guards, and there was no one else in the tent. Alone in the darkness, she broke into a cold sweat from fright.
“It’s night terror.” Soft fur settled over her shoulders.
With a great battle imminent, night terrors were inevitable. There were always new recruits who could not withstand the crushing weight of life and death, crying out in their nightmares. In the past, whenever a camp riot broke out, he had always dealt with it personally, going to the soldiers’ tents to bring them under control and prevent anyone from using the chaos to settle private grudges. Tonight, he was here. He knew how boundless her fear of night and darkness could be.
She searched for a sense of direction, trying to locate where he was. Relying on her imagination, she tried to picture herself facing him.
“Ge?”
Silence fell inside the tent.
His warm breath was directly in front of her, falling across her philtrum and lips.
The sounds of footsteps and shouted commands outside the camp battered against her eardrums. Her illusions grew more numerous, until she almost seemed able to hear the wind blowing against the vivid red flames atop the torches, the countless torches throughout the camp roaring in unison beneath the gale, their sounds swallowing her whole.
Why had he not left? Or was it merely her imagination?
She did not dare move rashly.
She feared that the slightest movement would plunge her into eternal ruin.
“Auntie said you turned down another arranged marriage?” Unwilling to move away, she continued to feign ignorance, quietly sensing his presence.
“What? Want a sister-in-law now?” He finally spoke.
“You’re the one getting married. Why should I be the one who wants it?”
“Even if I marry, I’ll still stay in Linhai Commandery with you.”
Her heart felt as though it had been pricked.
“I’m used to living alone in the house. I’m afraid of being kept under someone’s thumb. It’s better to stay with you in the military camp.” At last, she moved away from his face and looked toward the small, dark shape beside her. It seemed to be a stool.
“Until I see you married off, I won’t take another woman either,” he said at last.
Later, a general came from outside to summon him. He ordered the military physician to stay with her. In the entire military camp, only the physician could conveniently enter and leave this tent. Her older brother did not return for the rest of the night.
Shen Zhaozhao knew that he would soon be crossing the river to fight a great battle and that military affairs weighed heavily upon him. Without even saying goodbye, she left him a letter explaining that she intended to visit Luojia Mountain to pray for his blessings, then departed with her attendants.
When their party passed the former site of the Shen residence in Chaisang, she stopped briefly to rest. Someone intercepted her. The man held a piece of tender tofu in a lotus leaf and smiled as he raised it toward her from beside her horse. She recognized him as the owner of the tofu stall she had often seen when she was little.
She dismounted and was just about to reach for some coins when a pair of dark blue boots appeared before her.
“Since when have you needed to do such things yourself?”
The man standing by the roadside wore a blue robe and a jade belt. His eyes were like ink dots, and even his smile carried an innate trace of murderous intent.
The guards looked flustered and were about to pay their respects, but he stopped them with a glance.
He removed the white veil she had been using to conceal her face, then took off her earrings and hairpins. He replaced the snow-marten fur she wore with a plain-colored cloak, exchanging extravagance for simplicity. He then instructed the guards to pretend nothing had happened and return to Linhai Commandery by the same route.
As for him and her, each mounted a horse, and together they traveled from west to east to Luojia Mountain.
Luojia, the immortal mountain, stands alone amid the sea. There resides a bodhisattva named Guanzizai.
Guanzizai (观自在): The Chinese name for Avalokiteśvara, the bodhisattva of compassion, more widely known as Guanyin.
It was the place where the Great Master Guanyin practiced her cultivation, east of Linhai Commandery. It was a sacred place where he often had incense offered on her behalf. She had heard of it many times, yet had never had the fortune to see it herself.
Unfortunately, the weather was against them, and it rained for several consecutive days along the way.
As their boat crossed the sea, towering waves surged beneath swirling winds and clouds. Fearing that the boat would capsize, the boatman had no choice but to turn back midway and take them ashore again. Like ordinary pilgrims, they took shelter from the rain beneath a thatched shelter on the shore.
Among those who had crossed over and been brought back with them were a young couple praying for a child and a grandmother traveling with her granddaughter. Seeing how thinly dressed the little girl was and how she shivered in her grandmother’s arms, she gave the child the robe her older brother had given her.
The grandmother thanked her repeatedly, then asked whether the two of them had also come to pray for a child.
Her older brother acted as though he had not heard, while panic seized her. She did not know whether he had heard the question. Two monks wearing rain capes entered and came to their rescue. The elderly monk leading them saw Shen Ce and immediately brought his palms together in greeting.
“Benefactor.”
He was the abbot of the temple on Luojia Mountain. Even he had been trapped by the torrential rain.
“Are you still troubled by your inner demons, benefactor?” the abbot asked with a warm smile, without revealing Shen Ce’s identity.
“For someone who has been in Yanwang’s Hall, ordinary attachments seem too shallow to matter,” he replied. “Having an inner demon to bind me is not necessarily a bad thing.”
Under the pretext of admiring the sea, the abbot invited Shen Ce to step outside the shelter. Shen Ce had known the abbot for several years and did not refuse. A prince and a monk stood by the sea in the rain, leaving the shelter to the others.
Shen Zhaozhao watched the waves roll and churn. Looking at the back of her older brother, clad in a rain cape, she thought of the night her mother had left.
Before departing, her mother had dismissed the wet nurse and her older brother, then pressed a fragrant sachet into her hands. She instructed her that if Shen Ce ever treated her poorly in the future, she should give the sachet to her maternal aunt in exchange for protection.
Embroidered inside the sachet were a birth date and the surname and native place of his biological parents. It belonged to her older brother.
Her mother had not had time to tell her what had happened back then. Had the collateral branches of the family spent years mocking and looking down on her mother for remaining childless? Or had her father, still harboring a sliver of hope that someone might bring glory to the Shen family, brought this boy into their home? Whatever the truth, as her mother approached death, her foremost concern remained the safety of her own daughter in the years to come. She had placed the sachet into Shen Zhaozhao’s hands herself.
It was the talisman her mother had left her to save her life, yet it was also a death warrant for her older brother.
Passing himself off as the son of a distinguished family was a serious crime, and the offense would be even graver if he entered military service under that false identity.
Though she had been young at the time, she had understood that the object could bring disaster upon him. As soon as her mother was buried, she burned the sachet.
What she burned was his death warrant, but also the possibility between them.
She had even imagined that one day Shen Ce might be driven into rebellion by that suspicious emperor. Even if she revealed that the two of them were not biological siblings, Shen Ce might believe her, but his soldiers certainly would not. Those fine young men who had fought with their blood and lives for him would never accept that the commandery prince they had sworn to follow unto death was a man who had carried on an illicit relationship with his own younger sister.
Shen Lang of Chaisang could be the man of countless women's dreams.
He could never be hers alone.
Before nightfall, the rain gradually eased.
Luojia Mountain did not accommodate overnight guests. With sunset approaching, the pilgrims could no longer take a boat across to the island.
Shen Zhaozhao insisted on going to the rocks by the shore, where she knelt reverently and bowed in the direction of Luojia Mountain, praying for her older brother's well-being. Before leaving the shelter, she said goodbye to the grandmother and granddaughter. The old woman pressed a red cord into her hand. It was the cord she had untied from the little girl's wrist, which she had braided while sheltering from the rain, shaping it into a tiny peanut.
The grandmother knew neither Shen Ce nor Shen Zhaozhao.
She had assumed that a young man and woman willing to brave the rain to pay their respects to the Great Master Guanyin, and so devoutly at that, must have come to pray for a child. Out of kindness, she had given Shen Zhaozhao the little peanut, a simple expression of the hopes and goodwill of an ordinary person.
At a loss, Shen Zhaozhao held the tiny fruit woven from red cord in her hand. Seeing that Shen Ce did not seem to have noticed it, she pretended nothing was amiss and tucked it into her robes.
After nightfall, the two of them found a small town where they could spend the night.
The town was small and had never hosted outsiders before. There was no proper inn. With one hand leading both horses and the other holding hers, Shen Ce searched the town for somewhere to stay. Along the waterways, he spotted a small boat moored nearby. Seeing that Shen Zhaozhao was blind, the boatman kindly offered to let the two of them spend the night beneath his covered canopy. Little did he expect that Shen Ce would produce a small piece of gold at once. The boatman was so startled that he dared not neglect his guests, and had his family bring out fine wine and good food to entertain these two distinguished visitors from afar.
That night, feeling that he had gained an enormous advantage by hosting Shen Ce, the boatman kept rowing, taking them along the waterways throughout the town so they could enjoy the scenery.
A small boat, drifting over the water.
She rested her chin in her hand and listened as he told her what lay along the way. They had passed several stone bridges, and there was also a little Buddhist shrine, and so on.
Suddenly, the fragrance of wine filled the air.
He had opened another jar. Wine and moonlight aboard a boat on the water. It was a rare occasion for such good spirits.
She leaned forward slightly and asked her older brother for a drink. A cool rim touched her lips. One sip, then another. He patiently fed her the wine, never growing tired of it.
She stared fixedly at the dark silhouette before her, wanting to ask him, Do you know? Every time you return to the residence, I am so happy that I lie awake all night, night after night. She wanted to tell him, I deliberately injured my face. I did not want to marry. I did not want to be given in an imperial marriage.
He seemed to be looking back at her, too.
“What precious thing is this? You've been holding it all night?”
But he was talking about the object in her hand.
The red cord, warmed by her grasp, was pulled away. Her hand felt suddenly empty, as though she had lost something, and as though he had suddenly glimpsed the secret in her heart. She groped about frantically, trying to snatch it back.
“I don't even know what it is. Someone gave it to me, so it can't be anything bad.”
His silhouette stood before her. The shadow of his arm swept outward.
Her heart abruptly clenched. She heard a splash.
“Why did you throw it away?” Her eyes stung with tears. An inexplicable sense of grievance welled up inside her. Perhaps she had drunk a little too much, but it was also because the object was precious. This was probably the only prayer concerning the marriage fate of the two of them that she would ever receive in her entire life.
Yet she could not say that aloud. She could only lower her head to conceal her despondency.
Only when he took her hand and pressed the red cord back into it did she realize what had happened.
What he had thrown into the water was nothing more than a fish bone.
“If you like it...” he coaxed her casually, leaving the sentence unfinished.
If Shen Ce's younger sister liked something, then, judging by the way things stood, it would hardly be difficult to fill an entire shelf with jade carvings and gold ornaments of it.
“Don't,” she hurriedly shook her head. “What would it look like to have a whole room full of peanuts?”
That really would be an impossible sight to show anyone.
He laughed. He was drunk, and he laughed with such unrestrained delight.
Two days later, he escorted her safely back to Linhai Commandery.
When he was about to leave, she followed him all the way, accompanying him to the main gate of the Shen residence. In the daylight, their eyes met for a brief moment. She had red-rimmed eyes and was so choked with emotion that she could not speak.
Inside and outside the Shen family gates, she stood dazed for a long while, unable to utter a single word of farewell. The sorrow of parting surged over her like a tide. Only when he stepped over the threshold and mounted his horse did she finally chase after him and call out without thinking:
“Shen Ce!”
Beneath the brilliant sun, he turned back in the saddle and gazed at her for a long, long time.
The man on the warhorse had crossed countless mountains of corpses and seas of blood. He had always mocked himself as a man who belonged in Yanwang's Hall. Yet, under the gaze of those dark eyes, he was unable to speak for a long time. In the end, all he said was, “It's going to get dark. Go inside.”
He flicked his whip and rode away.
Behind him appeared a troop of elite cavalry. These were the soldiers who had followed him from the military camp to Luojia Mountain and then to Linhai Commandery over the past several days. They had been ordered to follow him secretly all along and had never dared reveal themselves or disturb the private moments shared by the two siblings.
Half a month later, her maternal aunt returned to the Shen residence and summoned her to the palace.
Remembering her older brother's instructions, Shen Zhaozhao pleaded illness to excuse herself. Her aunt took no offense, smiling as she remarked that her older brother had spoiled her rotten. An imperial edict was not something one could refuse to receive simply by claiming to be ill.
After reprimanding her a few times, her aunt said no more. Shen Zhaozhao assumed the matter had passed.
Unexpectedly, her aunt had already made arrangements. Catching her off guard, she bound Shen Zhaozhao and shut her inside a wooden chest, then had her carried out of the Shen residence. Her aunt was a member of the Shen family. Despite Shen Ce's instructions, no one would have imagined that this chest of “blessed incense” contained the commandery prince's own younger sister.
By the time they reached the outskirts of Linhai Commandery, the imperial army was waiting to receive the chest. There was no longer any possibility of bringing Shen Zhaozhao back.
She was imprisoned in a side hall of the Eastern Palace.
Her aunt wept bitterly as she pleaded with Shen Zhaozhao to persuade Shen Ce to surrender his military authority. The emperor had now decided to move against Shen Ce. Her aunt and her cousin had to stand on the side of the imperial family if they wished to survive.
Her aunt had correctly calculated how much Shen Zhaozhao meant to Shen Ce.
But she had failed to consider one thing: how could Shen Ce's younger sister ever be used to threaten him?
...
The rain outside the hall grew heavier.
She was burning with anguish from within, her entire body seeming to be consumed by fire.
Her fingers stubbornly continued searching for cracks in the floor, still believing she was in the Shen residence in Linhai Commandery. She had long since forgotten that she was in the palace.
In a soft voice, she asked again, “Has ge reached... Luojia Mountain?”
At last, the unfamiliar young palace maid beside her burst into tears.
“Miss, you wouldn't pass through Luojia Mountain to get here from Chaisang. You've remembered it wrong, Miss.”
She blinked very slowly. Tears streamed down from the corners of her eyes.
It was as though her mind had been clear only a moment ago. From that point on, she could no longer speak.
The one remaining hope she had held on to was extinguished, too.
For the next two days, all she remembered was Luojia Mountain. Her breath came in, but never seemed to go out.
The only thing weighing on her heart was the battle across the river. Was her older brother safe?
At the very brink of death, she seemed to hear the hall doors being pushed open, wood striking against the wall.
She thought she smelled the familiar scent of incense ash. Something wet, carrying the warmth of a hand, fell upon her face.
It was not water. It was all blood.
The young palace maid had long since collapsed to the floor in terror. The man who strode in with a sword in his hand was drenched in blood, his hands covered in it. From the moment he learned that she had been summoned to the palace, he had rushed back without rest, day or night. When he heard, from hundreds of miles away, that her aunt had gone to the Shen residence, he had known that something terrible would happen. It had to happen.
“Zhaozhao.”
She struggled to draw breath. Tears streamed down her face, washing the blood from her skin.
“Ge...”
Her eyes remained open as large tears fell one after another. She struggled to see him clearly, but all she could make out was a shape, a shadow. Her fingers moved across his palm, but she could not trace a complete character.
Shen Zhaozhao's hand slipped downward. He caught it again, enclosing both her hands in his palms and gripping them tightly.
The eyes that had once been so tender and luminous had lost their light. It had all dispersed.
“Go find red cloth...” His voice was hoarse, each word forced out through clenched teeth, blood mingling in his throat.
The blood-soaked soldiers behind him did not understand what lay behind his words. They stood inside the hall, bewildered and at a loss.
“Go find red cloth! Go!”
He knew what she wanted. He had known from beginning to end. Shen Ce was cunning and resourceful, a seasoned commander who had fought countless battles. If he could see through the enemy's formations and stratagems, how could he fail to see through the heart of his own younger sister?
In the past, he had been trapped by his own heart, bound by himself. Now, at last, he saw through it.
If rebellion was possible, then why should marrying Zhaozhao be impossible?
You and I have both been alone and helpless since childhood. We are each other's only refuge.
You want me. Why can I not give myself to you?
Afterword
Shen Ce, courtesy name Muye. Born into a distinguished family, he possessed extraordinary looks.
He endured many hardships in his youth and lived under another's roof with his younger sister. Through military achievements, he rose in rank and was enfeoffed as a prince. He excelled at sustaining war through the spoils and resources it yielded. Violent and suspicious by nature, he was cunning and resourceful.
Later, he aroused the imperial family's fear. They imprisoned his younger sister, Zhaozhao, hoping to use their family ties to control him.
Shen Ce's army advanced to the capital. His younger sister died after swallowing incense. Enraged, Shen Ce burned the palace buildings and murdered the emperor, shaking the entire realm.
There were also rumors that on the day the palace fell, Shen Ce rode out alone on horseback, carrying a woman in red in his arms. Afterward, neither of them was ever seen again. The lands on both banks of the river were left without a ruler for a time, and the southern territories descended into chaos.
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