Chapter Ten
Dust-Bound Ties Thin as Paper (1)
His heartbeat thudded against her palm, heavier than hers, and slower.
Each beat landed against her own heart, pressing down heavily until she could barely breathe.
Every corner of the garage was dark, as though someone were hiding inside, someone who could see them. Every hair on Zhaozhao's body stood on end, because his shadow fell across the bridge of her nose.
“We've only known each other for a few days.” The hand she had pressed against his chest pushed outward, trying to hold him back. “Just four days.”
Including that brief encounter years ago, it was only five days. Even if she had known any other strange man for five days, things would never have progressed this far. Getting a meal together would have been an achievement in itself. What was more, they had another layer to their relationship. Shouldn't that make them even more cautious?
When she realized she couldn't push him away, she had no choice but to plead with him, calling him ge again.
He remained unmoved. “What you call me doesn't matter. I'm asking whether you want this.”
She did.
She liked him so much she could hardly contain herself. Watching him in the boxing ring had driven her nearly mad with worry. Whenever he smiled at her or teased her, she found herself wondering just how much of it was sincere. The mere thought that he might actually have a girlfriend made her heart twist with pain.
“Someone just walked by.” What frightened her even more was the possibility of someone catching them.
They absolutely could not let anyone see them being intimate before the wedding banquet.
How would they explain it? That two people who had only just met a few days ago, and who were about to become brother and sister, had become so close the moment they saw each other again, completely disregarding their parents' wedding banquet the following week and already wanting to go on a date? That would be utterly outrageous. Their parents had known each other for four years and only decided to remarry and build a family together after much consideration. And what about them? They had only just met, yet without any careful thought at all, they were already about to do this.
At last, the chest beneath her palm moved away. He returned to the driver's seat.
Zhaozhao was still trying to settle her racing heart, suppressing the shudders that had already spread throughout her body.
The car fell silent for a while.
He made no move to get out, simply sitting there.
He sat without speaking, letting her keep him company. At first, Zhaozhao waited, wondering when he would get out. Eventually, she stopped thinking about it. Either way, going upstairs meant making polite conversation with relatives and friends. She might as well stay here.
It was as though Shen Ce's attempt to kiss her just now had never happened. She even began to wonder whether he had simply acted on a sudden impulse, without caring who the person in front of him was.
She looked at him.
When she had first met Shen Ce in Taizhou, he still had the air of a young man about him. His gaze could cut a person, and that sharpness had all but erased the depth and gentleness unique to his phoenix eyes. When she saw him again this year, that cutting gaze seemed to have disappeared. There had been only one exception: the look he had given her from the boxing ring, when he had made no effort to conceal the viciousness in his eyes. His pupils had been so black that not a trace of light remained in them.
No matter how dark an ordinary person's pupils were, there would still be light and shadows in them. But Shen Ce had none. Not that day in the boxing ring.
He had a high nose bridge, and the hollows between it and his brow bones were exceptionally deep. More accurately, his face was too lean, its angles too pronounced. Every feature seemed sculpted by light and shadow.
Like now. When he wasn't smiling, his thin lips were pressed together slightly.
He looked fierce.
Her sister had never liked talking to him. Her verdict was always the same: he looked too fierce.
Zhaozhao had tried to defend him, telling her sister that if she thought he looked fierce, she should look at his eyes instead. His eyes were the gentlest part of him. When he smiled, they could bring to mind a scene where the sky and water merged into one, a bird flashing across the horizon in a fleeting, breathtaking arc.
Her sister had been astonished by this and argued that his eyes were the fiercest part of his entire face.
Were they? Zhaozhao didn't think so.
Shen Ce knew she was looking at him. He didn't need to look back to imagine her gaze.
It was the only thing that could ever hold him captive, no matter where he was or when.
Five years ago, he had gone to Putuo to visit the old monk who had cared for him since childhood. The elderly man had not much time left, yet he repeatedly urged Shen Ce to heed the same words that had accompanied him since childhood: Old obsessions bring harm. Let go of your attachments, or you will not escape the great calamity that awaits you.
Before she returned, everyone had already been warning him, again and again, to let go.
Before he remembered Zhaozhao, he hadn't known what would return to him. He had wondered what there could possibly be that he could not let go of, compared with matters of life and death. Only after recognizing Zhaozhao did he understand. She was something heavier than life and death.
“Tonight, I'll come find you.” He spoke without warning.
Zhaozhao froze.
“My sister is next door.” She considered the possibilities, then shook her head. “She might come looking for me, or we might sleep together.”
“Come to my room,” he said again.
Zhaozhao was a little confused. How had their conversation somehow turned into going to his room?
Who would have thought that Shen Ce would quickly change his mind?
“Or you can come to the boxing ring.”
At the mention of the boxing ring, Zhaozhao remembered the blood in the water he had spat into the bucket while rinsing his mouth the previous night. The memory made her deeply uncomfortable.
“Are you going to fight Muay Thai again?” Unable to hide her concern, she asked unhappily, “If you're going to fight, then I'm not coming to watch. It's too bloody. I don't want to see it.”
Shen Ce glanced at her, a smile softening his eyes. He could hear the concern in her words.
In truth, he had deliberately given her a reason, an excuse, a convenient pretense she could use to deceive herself, and a place where she could come see him. He had never been thinking about Muay Thai at all.
Only when Shen Ce looked at her did Zhaozhao slowly catch on. Her face grew warm.
In the end, she said, “I'll try. I can't promise I'll be able to come.”
Last night, her mother had taken her sister out, which was why she had enjoyed such a long stretch of free time. There was no guarantee she would have the same opportunity tonight.
“I'll be there the whole time. Come whenever you like.”
She nodded.
“After seven,” he said before getting out of the car.
When the two of them came up from the garage, an old acquaintance was waiting in the first-floor reception room: Shen Jiaheng.
Ever since the ancestral worship gathering, Shen Jiaheng had been the brother who interacted with Zhaozhao the most, far more often than her sister saw him. He doted on Zhaozhao, and the cousins always had plenty to talk about. The moment she saw him, Zhaozhao smiled and hurried over to greet him, giving him her customary hug.
“Ge, you're only getting here now? You promised you'd arrive before me.”
“Don't even get me started. I'm still angry about it. A pile of things kept me busy and wouldn't let me come see you.” Shen Jiaheng put his arm around Zhaozhao and greeted Shen Ce, who had followed her in. “Sorry to trouble you, taking care of her these past few days. Have you two been getting along all right?”
Shen Ce glanced at Zhaozhao and then at Shen Jiaheng's arm around her, his expression utterly casual.
“It's been all right. We haven't had much time together, either. There have been too many engagements and social obligations these past few days. I haven't had time to look after her.”
Under his gaze, Zhaozhao felt as though the arm around her shoulders were evidence of some wrongdoing. But Shen Jiaheng was her cousin, after all. Nothing could happen between them. Nothing possibly would, and nothing would ever be permitted by society to happen between first cousins.
“Go ahead and keep yourself busy. I'll take care of her,” Shen Jiaheng said with a smile.
“There's no need to rush off just yet. It's a rare chance for us to see each other,” Shen Ce replied.
Shen Jiaheng smiled again and accompanied Shen Ce over to the sofa, where they chatted for a while.
Back then, the two men had been about the same height when standing together. Now Shen Ce was considerably taller than Shen Jiaheng. He really had been busy with social engagements these past two days, which was why he had kept a suit jacket draped over his hand the entire time, ready to put it on whenever he needed to meet guests. Now that he was seated, listening to Zhaozhao and Shen Jiaheng chatting, he set the jacket aside and sat back, keeping them company.
“Who wrote the invitations this time?” Shen Jiaheng asked with a smile. “I looked them over, and they don't look like Zhaozhao's handwriting. It would be a waste not to put it to use. But you two have only just met, so you haven't had the chance to see it yet. Have her write a couple for you another day. Her handwriting is beautiful.”
An antique cloisonné clock ticked away inside its glass dome.
Zhaozhao rested her chin in her hand and smiled at Shen Jiaheng, finding the clock's incessant ticking unbearably loud. Her eyes seemed to have a mind of their own, constantly wanting to wander toward him.
“Carry on without me.” Shen Ce suddenly rose to his feet and left.
After that, he remained nowhere to be seen, not even at dinner.
Today, besides Shen Jiaheng, nearly all of her mother's relatives had arrived. These were the people closest to Zhaozhao in her family. She kept them company, talking and drinking tea, but whenever she thought of Shen Ce's retreating figure as he had left without much regard for the people around him, her heart grew heavy. Resting her chin on her hand, she sat in a daze. Unable to leave, she watched the clock, following the jade-green hands with her eyes as she listened to everyone chatting.
It wasn't that she was interested in what they were talking about. She was simply waiting for the right moment, when everyone had grown tired of talking or someone showed signs of wanting to leave, so she could follow suit.
After all, she was one of the hosts. She couldn't be the first to leave and leave all the guests sitting there.
A little after ten, someone finally said they were sleepy.
Like a caged beast finally released, Zhaozhao went looking for him without stopping for a moment.
There was no one here tonight. It was quiet everywhere, inside and out.
Zhaozhao had been wondering how, with so many guests and family members around, not a single person had gone into the gym or the entertainment room. It was rather strange. She passed through the lounge and went beyond the screen. The first thing she caught was the scent of incense, exactly the same as the night before.
Rounding the carved wooden screen, she found the man sitting on the sofa doing absolutely nothing. His head rested against his hand as he watched the incense burn, waiting patiently.
Last night on the stage, he had moved like a tiger that seemed ill. Tonight, he was like an eagle standing as though asleep. He had a knack for capturing and devouring people, and he wielded it as effortlessly as breathing. Without saying a word, without making the slightest effort, he could soften her heart simply by waiting.
“After I went back yesterday, I remembered this. Dengliumei.” Zhaozhao stood with her hands behind her back, looking at the incense. She had clearly hurried over, yet was still trying to conceal how much she wanted to see him.
Shen Ce was quiet for a moment, caught off guard. Only then did he ask, “How did you remember that?”
“I came across it in a book when I was little.”
In fact, she had known that very day that Dengliumei was an ancient place name in Thailand.
Shen Ce beckoned to her, patting the sofa beside him.
The distance from the screen to where he sat was only five or six steps. As she walked over, she kept talking, adding a little life, a little sound, to the overly quiet room.
“I didn't think I'd come down this late. They were having too much fun chatting.”
“There was nothing else to do. I could wait.”
“Did you skip dinner?”
She realized that sitting shoulder to shoulder like this wasn't good either. It was too proper.
Such a proper posture did nothing to conceal anything. If anything, it made her seem guilty. The sofa was much softer than she had expected, and she leaned back far too casually. When she sank into it, the space behind her back seemed to give way, leaving her feeling unsteady.
Shen Ce moved, and she immediately looked at him.
He glanced at her because he was about to pour her some tea.
“I've been here since the afternoon. I haven't gone anywhere.”
But once the tea had been poured, he didn't hand her the cup. Instead, he set it on the table. He seemed to be considering something, leaving Zhaozhao wondering what he was about to do this time.
She hadn't expected him to turn back toward her without warning and move straight in to embrace her.
Zhaozhao was reclining in the sofa, making idle conversation. Compared with being in the car, the only difference was that the cushion behind her waist was softer. She still had no way to evade him.
She stared at his face, her thoughts muddled. In truth, she had already guessed this might happen when she came over. Saying anything else now would only feel affected. Yet when his breath finally brushed against her brow, she still called out to him softly.
“Ge.”
She could feel his warmth against her eyelids, too.
“Have you ever thought...” Her lips moved slightly. She wanted to ask whether he had ever considered it. “It'll be very troublesome.”
Zhaozhao's heart felt as though his palm were pressed over it, muffling its beating. It thrashed so hard and so unevenly that it seemed ready to burst out.
Then he parted his lips and took her lower lip into his mouth.
The tangible pressure, the warm wetness. So this was kissing. The first thought that surfaced in Zhaozhao's mind had already returned to the most honest of instincts. When she felt him suck on her lower lip, a tingling numbness spread throughout her body.
Zhaozhao's eyes suddenly began to sting. She couldn't keep them open, as though the white smoke from the distant burner of incense had drifted all the way over and scorched her eyes. The sting spread outward from the depths of her eyes.
Her hand searched for his heart, pressing against it as she felt his heartbeat.
This time, it was her upper lip. He moistened that, too. Instinctively, she longed for more and parted her lips slightly, imitating him, sucking on his lips as he sucked on hers. The pressure grew heavier and heavier. It felt as though they had kissed many times before, far more than this, far more deeply than this. She grew impatient with merely sucking on his lips and opened her mouth wider. At last, the tip of her tongue touched his.
So a man's tongue was this soft, and slippery, too…
Shen Ce could not see what red looked like, but he knew that at this moment, his own eyes were red.
In the sudden darkness, there came the sound of charcoal cracking. The fire burned merrily in the brazier as the young girl snatched the last few sheets of paper from his hand and stuffed them into the flames, too. Fire licked at her wrists. Even when they burned her, she made no sound.
The person who used to call him ge, ge incessantly had truly fallen out with him. Her hands, smooth and lustrous as jade, had been burned red, yet she refused to apply any medicine.
He knew she wanted to stay until every scrap of paper had burned away, so he would never see a single word written on them. Her handwriting.
He had known all along what those papers said. They were nothing more than the verses of a young girl in love, all of them variations of This heart of mine is bright and true, as the sun and moon can attest. And yet what she wrote was always different. He could see what had turned to ash in the charcoal fire, but he could not expose it by saying it aloud.
It was: This heart of mine is bright and true. Muye alone can attest to it.
She wanted no witness from heaven and earth, no witness from the sun and moon.
She only wanted him to know. She wanted him alone. She wanted Shen Muye to bear witness to her heart.
Yet in the end, she still didn't dare let him see it.
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