Chapter 11
When she was still quite young, Qin Yao once asked Yuan Sheng a question. She said:
“Will you hate me?”
“No.”
Qin Yao clutched the quilt and looked at the ceiling before asking again, “Why?”
At the time, Yuan Sheng was still bent over his desk doing his homework, while Qin Yao had already climbed into bed early.
He only paused for a moment. Just as he had several years ago, his gaze fell outside the window, a vague, indescribable daze appearing in his expression, and the tip of the ballpoint pen in his hand came to a stop.
“Because I was the person in this family who most hoped for your birth. Whether then or now, I still am.”
When she was too young, she could not understand what those words meant. But when she saw this scene again at twenty, she understood everything.
Compared with Qin Yao, Yuan Sheng's grades were much better. Qin Liming and the others had long since lost much hope in Qin Yao. They said that they had once thought Yuan Sheng was a disappointment, but now he had unexpectedly become the only one they could count on, and because of that, they were even stricter with him.
With expectations set impossibly high, whatever Yuan Sheng did was wrong. While children his age gathered together and took turns playing two-player games on the computer, Yuan Sheng had to go to cram school after finishing classes at school. Even during holidays, he had to study from seven-thirty in the morning until six in the evening, and after he got home, he still had to do exercises.
Yuan Qing and Qin Liming installed surveillance cameras in the bedroom he shared with Qin Yao. The couple were both very busy with work, so they used the cameras to keep an eye on him while they were at work. Whenever his butt left the desk for too long, they would take a screenshot.
They listed the amount of time he spent distracted as if they were making a report, then settled the score with him after the fact, like an execution carried out in autumn.
Qin Liming said he hated people who were stupid to the extreme. He said there was an intern at the company who was as stupid as a pig, and just looking at him made him angry. Then he put down his beer can, pointed at Yuan Sheng's face, and told him that he had better not turn out anything like that intern, because he would be nothing but a drag on everyone else.
He often belittled the two children in the family. The core of Chinese-style education seemed to be endless suppression and criticism, followed by patiently telling the child, “I'm only doing this to motivate you. It's for your own good.” Getting a perfect score was nothing to be proud of, while failing an exam was something to be ashamed of without fail.
Children who were still studying were not entitled to enjoy themselves. Parents would think that if you could not get the best grades, then all the money they had spent on you had gone to waste, and you were destined to amount to nothing in the future. You could not know how to cook, wash dishes, or even tie your shoelaces, but you absolutely had to know how to do problems and study.
Suffering was the same as studying. If you were not suffering, then all your studying was for nothing. You had to get up at five-thirty in the morning. When studying, you had to shout until your throat went hoarse to prove that you were putting your heart into it. A person had to suffer, because your parents had suffered so much back then, so how could you not suffer? Suffering was a blessing, after all.
But after Qin Yao advanced several more grades, she grew bolder. She found it harder and harder to put up with it, and with her head cocked up, she began indignantly protesting, “Why are you always scolding us? When you were as old as Big Brother, did you ever get a perfect score?”
Qin Liming was furious. “Back then, I was always in the top ten in my grade. Otherwise, how do you think your mother and I managed to buy such a big house in such a big city and send the two of you to such expensive schools? It was the result of your mother and me working our asses off. Isn't being a little stricter with you for your own good?”
“Bullshit!” Qin Yao spat at him, and as soon as she finished speaking, Yuan Qing struck her on the mouth with her chopsticks.
Yuan Qing demanded, “Who taught you to swear? How old are you to talk to your parents like that? The tuition we've paid to educate you might as well have been fed to a dog. We would be better off having you drop out and go to work. What a waste of all that money.”
That silver-colored figure was so angry that her cheeks puffed out. She spat the half-chewed food in her mouth back into the bowl, then kicked away her chair, ran into her room, and locked herself inside.
Chen Huai gave a subtle nod, rather approving. “You had such a bad temper when you were little?”
“Yes,” Qin Yao said slowly. “Just like you.”
Chen Huai let out a “heh,” raising one eyebrow halfway in disbelief. “I have a bad temper?”
Qin Yao looked at him quietly, the corners of her lips lifting slightly, and said perfunctorily, “Before, I said you were the kindest, and you didn't care for it. Now I say you have a bad temper, and you're unhappy again.”
She shook her head and passed judgment. “So difficult to please, and you still don't call that a bad temper?”
The two of them had barely exchanged a few idle words when Yuan Qing and Qin Liming began muttering again. “She's really getting more and more outrageous. The two of us scrimp and save to let her live in such a nice house, spend money to send her to such a good school, and not only is she a disappointment, she still throws a tantrum at home. She's really gone too far.”
“If we'd known, we would have been better off not having a second child in the first place. At first we treated her like a treasure, and in the end she's just an ingrate. She eats our food, uses our things, and treats us like enemies. We've been tolerant enough with her.”
Yuan Qing pointed at Yuan Sheng, trying to find some agreement from him. “Back then, you took plenty of beatings from your dad, didn't you? You'd get ninety on a test and still get beaten. Now the two of us have reined in our tempers a lot. We won't even spend money on good food or nice things for ourselves. It's all for you two.”
Qin Liming patted Yuan Sheng on the back, full of himself. “You'd better not learn bad habits from your younger sister. Your mother and I can't take it anymore. We can't keep supporting this living Bodhisattva. Once she finishes this semester, send her to Grandma's and let her do whatever she wants. The family still has to rely on you. We've given up on her.”
Yuan Sheng did not say a word. Suddenly, he felt the space before his eyes become crooked, while the air in his chest seemed to be sucked out in pumps, one pull after another. The sensations of his seven orifices drifted farther and farther away from him, and even the voices of his parents talking became extremely distant, like echoes coming from another world.
He suddenly thought of the surveillance camera in the room, the bedroom door he was not allowed to close while studying. Every moment, it was as though countless pairs of eyes were embedded in front of and behind him, watching only him. Even every breath had to be taken under his parents' surveillance.
Yuan Sheng suddenly braced himself against the table and began dry-heaving. Yuan Qing was horrified. She patted his back and asked what was wrong. Qin Liming did not dare put his chopsticks down anymore either, and began blaming Yuan Qing. “Did you put something dirty in the food when you were cooking?”
Yuan Qing said, “Bullshit!”
After saying that, she suddenly stopped, as though she had gone momentarily dazed. But she did not give herself time to think about it and helped Yuan Sheng into the room.
When Qin Yao heard Mom say that her brother was feeling unwell, she immediately opened the door to the room. Yuan Sheng’s face turned pale in an instant. Qin Yao ran to the water dispenser, stood on tiptoe, and mixed a cup of warm water for him to drink.
Qin Liming said, “His physical condition is way too poor.”
Qin Yao immediately talked back. “Isn’t that because you make him study, study, study every day? After watching online classes, he has to do exercises, and after doing exercises, he has to watch online classes again. You bought my brother a soccer ball, but after he’d only kicked it a few times, you wouldn’t let him play anymore.”
“Wasn’t I doing it for his own good? If he doesn’t study and can’t get into a good school, how is he supposed to find a job and make money in the future? Do you expect your mother and me to work ourselves to death supporting the two of you for the rest of our lives?”
“You’re not doing it for our own good.” Qin Yao turned her head away. “You’re doing it for yourselves.”
Qin Liming had just been drinking beer, and once his temper flared, he swung his hand and slapped her. “Your mother just said I’ve never hit you before. No wonder your temper is so bad now. I just need to make you as obedient as your brother, right?”
Yuan Qing came over to break them up, gripping Qin Liming’s wrist with both hands. “Be careful. The little one might run off and tell on us again. She tells everyone outside about everything that happens in this family, making everyone upstairs and downstairs look at us strangely. Last time I ran into the people across the hall at the supermarket, they suddenly started talking to me about how you should leave children time to relax. It was so embarrassing.”
Qin Liming shook his hand, exasperated by her failure to live up to expectations. “Just send her away already. Our family can’t afford to support this living Bodhisattva. From now on, if she wants to farm, let her farm; if she wants to raise ducks, let her raise ducks. She can spend the rest of her life in the countryside with my mother. I don’t even want to deal with her.”
“You don’t care at all about what we think!” Qin Yao shouted, and as she went on, she began to cry. “My brother ended up like this because of you! You make him do homework until one in the morning every day, and he has to set an alarm for five-thirty in the morning to get up and memorize English because you get up at six to check his vocabulary!”
“That’s why his grades are better than yours, and why he’s more successful than you!” Qin Liming still would not back down. “We made that happen by being strict with him.”
Yuan Sheng closed his eyes and tugged down on Qin Yao’s little finger, telling her to stop talking.
Qin Yao dropped heavily onto the bed, still sniffling.
The next day, Yuan Sheng came down with a fever. From his cheeks to his ears, his skin was as hot as boiling water. His nose was blocked, so he could only breathe through his open mouth.
With it almost time to go to work, the couple started arguing again, saying that taking leave would mean having their wages docked. In the end, they settled on Yuan Qing taking the day off because she would lose less pay.
“You’re still okay, right?” Yuan Qing touched his head. “It doesn’t feel that hot, does it? Can’t you just take the fever medicine with you and take it at school? What if the fever goes down by the end of the morning? What are you going to do if you miss a whole morning of classes?”
She started again. “When I was pregnant with the second child, didn’t I go to work with a fever? I was making several hundred yuan a day back then, and I still gritted my teeth and pushed through it... You’re just too delicate.”
By then, Qin Yao had already taken the bus to school, leaving only Yuan Qing and Yuan Sheng at home. Still worried that Yuan Sheng’s fever might damage his brain, Yuan Qing drove him to the hospital anyway. She did not forget to bring his tablet and test papers, either, telling him that after listening to his online classes, he still had to finish the questions.
After paying his medical bill, she hurried back to work, telling him that once he felt a little better, he should take a car to school and attend class. Yuan Sheng held a pen in one hand while receiving his IV, and the blood had already flowed back into the tubing.
Someone beside him pointed a phone at him and took a picture, then sent a voice message, saying, “Look at someone else’s child. Even when he’s sick, he studies this hard. If you had even one-tenth of his effort, that would be great. Sigh, I don’t even want to talk about you. You’re completely useless.”
Yuan Sheng sniffed, and suddenly his eyes felt both sore and painful. When he came back to himself, he realized that the words beneath his pen had already been blurred by large drops of water, and the thin, pale-yellow test paper had become all wrinkled.
Chen Huai watched for a while, then reached into his pocket and said, “Ah, finally, they’ve come in handy.”
It was the tissues he had taken out earlier when he gave them to Qin Yao to hold the watermelon seeds. There was still half a packet left. Since he was currently in a state where he could be touched, Chen Huai pushed the tissues into Qin Yao’s hand, then let go.
Qin Yao looked back at him. Chen Huai had both hands in his pockets. He waved his hand, telling her to go that way.
She came around the corner, asked someone at the nurses’ station for a pen, and wrote a small line of words on the tissue.
While Yuan Sheng was still choking back sobs, Qin Yao pretended that nothing had happened and sat down beside him, pushing the half-packet of tissues toward him.
People have their pride at every stage of life. Yuan Sheng had probably felt embarrassed, because he turned his head away and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
“Use this to wipe them,” Qin Yao said.
Yuan Sheng stared blankly as he took the half-packet of tissues and quietly said thank you.
She told him there was no need to thank her. “It’s from your family.”
With that, Qin Yao stood up. She had no intention of explaining, only smiled and waved, her voice gentle as she said goodbye to him. “See you next time.”
Yuan Sheng unfolded the tissue and saw the line of writing:
【A bird in a cage, when will it fly?】
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