Chapter 20 – old
With graduation drawing near, their days grew increasingly busy.
For the rare two weeks in a row, the two of them did not see each other. Though not a single online greeting was missing, their idle chats had visibly grown fewer.
Xiang You somewhat liked this feeling of being fulfilled and busy, yet she also felt lost and frightened by the new life that was about to arrive.
One part of it concerned work, and another concerned love.
Time was drawing closer by the day, yet she had managed to make no arrangements for either.
The company where Meng Ou was interning liked him very much. They had taken the initiative to extend an olive branch, welcoming him to become a full-time member after graduation.
Naturally, he told Xiang You about it as well.
The greatest advantage of being separated by a screen was that there was no need to take pains to hide one's emotions.
Xiang You replied with, “Congratulations,” along with a sticker of a little animal spinning around and scattering flowers.
The little animal in the sticker was smiling joyfully, while the corners of her own mouth drooped heavily.
After her thesis defense was over, the two of them finally arranged to meet.
Meng Ou had not had his hair cut for nearly a month. After being blown about by the wind all the way there, it sat somewhat messily atop his head.
His eyes were also partly obscured by stray strands, making it difficult to see the expression in them.
As if jealous of her neatly trimmed hair, the moment they met, Meng Ou ruffled her head.
“Did you miss me?”
“Annoying!” Xiang You brushed his hand away. As she tidied her hair, she looked at him.
After looking at him for a while, she could not help laughing.
“I did.”
She really had missed him. Missed him terribly.
Aside from the winter and summer holidays in high school, they had never gone this long without seeing each other.
Communication over the internet was still too intangible. She wanted more to see him with her own eyes, touch him, smell him, feel him.
Hidden in his scent, she seemed to become calm.
The two of them casually picked one of the coffee shops they often visited and sat down.
It was a weekday, so there were not many people in the shop. Behind the counter, the baristas leaned against it, idly chatting and laughing softly among themselves.
They finished talking about the weather, finished talking about the trivialities of daily life, finished talking about the thesis defense, and inevitably had to talk about where they would go after graduation.
“I’ve already started looking at apartments recently. One is close to a subway station, and the other is close to a bus stop. The surroundings are pretty good too. When should we go take a look?” Meng Ou said enthusiastically.
The hand holding Xiang You’s coffee cup tightened slightly. She raised her eyes to look at him.
“What am I going for?”
Meng Ou’s expression stiffened, then turned puzzled.
“You… don’t want to live with me anymore?”
The good mood from finally seeing each other was defeated just like that.
Afraid that her eyes did not look friendly enough, Xiang You lowered her head and avoided looking at him.
But she still could not keep the displeasure out of her voice.
“Didn’t I tell you? I’m not planning to stay here.”
The air fell silent.
Across the spacious shop came a voice:
“Mr. Wang, your coffee is ready.”
To ease the awkwardness, Xiang You looked toward the counter.
Before she could see that Mr. Wang, she caught sight of Meng Ou staring intently at her from the corner of her eye.
“Why?” Meng Ou’s tone was unusually gentle.
“Because it’s too far from home, and the pressure is too great.” These were things she had said before. Xiang You paused. “Actually, I started considering whether I should stay here back in my first year. But after thinking about it for four years, I still want to leave.”
She did not like City A.
She did not like the perpetually congested traffic, or the hurried, expressionless pedestrians. She did not like the sweltering summers and bitter winters here, nor the cold, towering high-rises.
She also did not like the occasional times when, after leaving the station and passing through a commercial street on her way to transfer, she found herself among a group of elites enjoying life, her own self made to look small and gray by comparison.
But when she had come here as a child on vacation, the City A she had seen was clearly not like this.
Back then, what she had seen were magnificent, imposing buildings, warm and hospitable aunties and uncles, advanced technology, the passing down of history, and a place that made one's heart yearn to see it.
Perhaps it was not City A that she hated.
But rather the version of herself who, in the end, could only ever be a passerby here.
As he listened, Meng Ou nodded thoughtfully.
“It's true. The pressure here is greater than in other places. But I always feel that if we're together, there are many things we can overcome together.”
Xiang You looked at him coldly. The longer she looked, the more she found the person before her hateful.
“Why do you always think I should be the one to compromise?”
From the first time they had brought up this subject until now, she had never once tried to persuade Meng Ou to go back with her.
And Meng Ou had never once given up on trying to make her stay here.
What he considered was always only himself. He always wanted other people to adjust themselves to his pace.
Meng Ou lowered his head, looking very much like a student being reprimanded.
He murmured, “I’m sorry.”
There were so many things that could not simply be solved with an apology.
Xiang You stared at him with a stiff expression, expecting that, besides apologizing, he might have something substantial to say.
“Maybe it’s because that period when we lived together before was really, really happy. So I always thought that after graduation, we would be able to keep living like that.”
Meng Ou was very good at playing the emotional card.
But she was no longer the little girl from several years ago who could have her heart race just from their hands brushing against each other.
Xiang You did not respond. She lowered her head and concentrated on drinking her coffee.
After she finished the cup, she raised her head.
“My mind isn’t going to change. You don’t need to persuade me anymore. I think it would be better for both of us to stay apart and calm down for a while.”
With that, she picked up her bag and prepared to leave.
Meng Ou stood up and pressed down on her hand.
In the otherwise peaceful coffee shop, the atmosphere here suddenly became somewhat tense and confrontational.
The baristas all shifted their gazes toward them, seemingly ready to step in and settle the dispute at any moment.
Xiang You lowered her head and looked at the hand covering the back of hers.
It was a size larger than her own, covering half of her wrist as well. The knuckles were prominent, the veins on the back of his hand clearly defined as they extended all the way to his forearm. It could not be described as beautiful, but it was certainly solid and strong.
By brute force, it would be difficult for her to pull free.
She remembered the first time they had gone to the movies together. She had been so angry that she wanted to break up, and he had also grabbed her hand, refusing to let her leave.
Xiang You let out a soft sigh.
She felt the hand on the back of hers gradually loosen, but he still refused to move it away, warming her hand until it was almost sweaty.
How was this supposed to end?
It would be nothing more than those same words.
Apologize to her, beg her not to leave, and if that did not work, play dirty and cling to her as hard as he could.
Just taking advantage of the fact that she had a soft heart.
Taking advantage of the fact that she loved him.
But this time was different. She was getting tired of it.
There was a little more room beneath his large hand. Xiang You first moved her wrist, tentatively trying to pull her hand free.
Only to have it pressed back down the next second.
Xiang You raised her eyes indignantly, thinking about how to get angry with dignity in a public place.
But then she saw Meng Ou looking at her with a pair of bloodshot eyes.
Unlike her, who was always shedding tears, Meng Ou rarely even had red-rimmed eyes.
Yet at this moment, his eyes were glistening with tears, and even the tip of his nose had reddened.
For once, he was allowing his vulnerability to show.
As if he found it embarrassing, Meng Ou turned his eyes slightly away, his voice carrying a hoarseness.
“I’ll go back and think about it, about whether I should stay here after all.”
“Mm…”
This time, Xiang You successfully pulled her hand free.
She picked up her bag again and hurried out of the coffee shop.
Perhaps she was afraid that if she was any slower, she would end up being the first one to cry.
Xiang You lost control of her soft heart again.
The way Meng Ou had looked that day, his eyes red-rimmed, kept replaying in her mind.
The date of leaving school was drawing near, and the time left to her was growing shorter and shorter.
One day, when she was the only one left in the dormitory, she called her father.
After the usual pleasantries, Xiang You said that she wanted to stay here.
“With Meng Ou?” her father asked directly.
“Mm…” Xiang You hesitated for a moment. “It has nothing to do with him. I want to stay here.”
“It’s so far away. Aren’t you afraid it’ll be hard?”
“Mm… I’m not afraid,” Xiang You said.
There was silence on the other end for a while. In the end, he let out a soft sigh.
“Child, your wings have grown strong enough to fly away. There’s nothing us adults can do to stop you. Just remember to come back and visit us more often.”
Xiang You’s nose suddenly stung. Afraid that she would start crying if she kept talking, she hurriedly answered and quickly hung up.
Less than half an hour later, her mother called.
She had called her father first precisely because she did not know how to face her mother.
But her father had most likely already told her mother.
“Youyou, you really are going to stay in City A?”
The moment her mother spoke, there was a distinct nasal quality to her voice.
Xiang You’s heart twisted painfully, yet she still forced herself to remain calm.
“Mm, Mom. I want to stay here.”
“City A is so far away. Will you be able to get used to the weather there? Will you be able to eat the food there? And if you get sick later, there won’t be anyone who can take care of you in time…”
The words sounded somewhat familiar.
Xiang You remembered. Back when she had decided to apply to a university in City A, her mother had said the exact same things to her.
But in the end, after that conversation, her mother had decided to go along with what she wanted.
This time was the same.
“Mom really doesn’t want you to have such a hard time. How difficult it is for a girl to make her way out there on her own. But, but… Youyou, if you ever feel tired, come home. Mom will support you.”
Xiang You finally could not hold herself back any longer and burst into loud sobs.
The graduation cap was put on and then taken off, and her life had now entered a new journey.
Before officially setting off, she met Meng Ou one more time.
Xiang You was in a very relaxed mood.
By contrast, Meng Ou looked unusually heavy-hearted.
And so, from the very first moment they saw each other, they had already guessed the outcome of this meeting.
There was no embrace, but as usual, they still took each other’s hands and walked into the shopping mall together.
The Xiang You of the past had loved being led by him. She had loved having him take her wherever they were going.
His hand was always warm and strong, something she could lean on.
She did not have to think or choose. All she had to do was let Meng Ou hold her hand firmly, obediently follow his pace, and go wherever he took her.
It was lunchtime, so the two of them casually found a Hong Kong-style café and sat down.
For the two of them as they were now, eating was a good choice.
They could talk about the dishes, or they could simply follow the rule of not speaking while eating.
But when their conversation neared its end, there were still some things they could not avoid bringing up.
Meng Ou held the straw of his lemon tea between his fingers, his eyes lowered toward the half cup of ice floating inside.
He probably did not intend to drink it anymore either. The straw had already been squeezed into a strange shape.
After bending it for the third time, Meng Ou finally spoke.
“I still want to stay.”
It was not entirely unexpected, but her heart still skipped a beat.
“Oh…” she said.
“Youyou, I have a friend who has a job over there that would be very suitable for you…”
“Meng Ou.” Xiang You interrupted him. “Why don’t we break up?”
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