19. A Running Turtle That Has Withdrawn into Its Shell
The city emptied out for the New Year.
At midnight, the lights along the side streets went dark. Wang Meili walked through the chaos, the thunder of her heartbeat gradually settling.
The dim light and shadow stretched her into a lonely pillar, then shrank her into a tiny dot, then stretched her out again, then made her small again, over and over.
On the way back, having decided to return, Wang Meili cast off the burden ahead of time, and her mood became freakishly good.
The cold black buildings around her swept past. Somehow, her feet began to run of their own accord. Well, what else was she supposed to do? She couldn't get a car. As she ran, she gave a helpless little laugh. What else was she supposed to do, cry? She tried shouting, “This is so fucking annoying, so fucking annoying. Fuck this shit.” She was angry at herself for always screwing things up, for always running into strange twists and turns. When it came down to it, the reason was her own carelessness.
Now that she suddenly had to face certain emotional problems she had been afraid to confront, she became a terrified cat, a crazed tiger, a turtle running with its head tucked into its shell.
Earlier, her good friend Qin Su had seriously weighed things for her, considering which was better and which worse. Wang Meili had said she wasn't even considering marriage, so what was the point of thinking about so much? Qin Su said that even so, she still needed to settle down. Wang Meili burst out laughing. “My God, you walked into marriage yourself, and now you're going to start telling other people to settle down? Marriage has that kind of magic? What is it, some pyramid scheme? Do you have quotas to meet? Whoever gets in has to recruit more people and grow the ranks, otherwise they can't survive?”
Qin Su herself became a little embarrassed. She tried to organize her thoughts, then said, “A stable relationship will make you feel at peace. There are definitely people in this world who enjoy the feeling of drifting, who belong to the evening breeze, to the sea, to the mountaintop, to every unstable factor, but you're not one of them. You know you're not.”
Wang Meili wanted to argue. As a beneficiary of a stable relationship, as the heroine of a mainstream story, Qin Su, of course everything you say is right. You're beautiful and brave, treated generously by God, that demanding screenwriter, and able to encounter love in its traditional sense. But she had been born a supporting character. No heroine in a mainstream story drinks, sleeps around, keeps screwing up at work, and keeps lying to people. A character like her only gets a little corner of screen time in some niche arthouse film. They always cut out the maddest, most bewildering passages and show off their decayed art. Wang Meili was the dullest specimen among them. A negative character in an arthouse film couldn't live to eighty. She had to die in a dazzling blaze at thirty, preferably by dropping dead without warning. Only then would there be drama. She had once thought about how she would die: walking along and suddenly falling to her death, or stupidly dying from mixing cephalosporin antibiotics with red wine, or else being stabbed to death by a lover.
Her hand on the doorknob, she thought of a male friend. She, he, and another friend had set up a secondhand handbag website in France. At first, they had been full of enthusiasm, determined to make something big of it, but in the end it nearly turned into a violent, ugly, adults-only operation. Because they couldn't bear to spend money hiring workers, she and her friend scrubbed the word “Putain” off the office walls themselves before giving up the lease.
She understood that a wandering kind of promiscuity was nothing more than the perfect shelter for someone incapable of solving problems. It looked fierce and powerful, but in reality it was fragile beyond measure.
She thought, if Jin Yu gave her a stab, that would be fine too. Late at night was simply when one's thoughts tended to scatter. The more she thought, the more desperate she became, until she began worrying about what his life in prison would be like after killing her. Such a good young man, with such a promising future, and he had actually been ruined by something like this.
In her imagination, she developed guilt and regret.
The imagination was somewhat comic, but at this moment Wang Meili's mind was completely blank. She didn't know what she was about to face.
So when she pushed open the door and Jin Yu, holding a glass of water, calmly passed through the foyer where the light suddenly spilled out and said lightly, “You're back,” Wang Meili felt somewhat detached. This was very far from the extreme plot she had imagined.
The latest episode of Narcos was projected onto the wall. Apparently, his entertainment life hadn't fallen by the wayside, which eased some of her guilt. She asked, “You didn't go back?”
“No.” He explained that the airport required a nucleic acid test result, and since he didn't have one, he had come back.
It was a terrible excuse. He had originally planned to use it to fob off his parents. Telling Wang Meili this excuse was obviously even more pathetic, but he didn't care anymore. He knew she didn't care either.
Wang Meili casually tossed her bag onto the floor, and at last the exhausted breaths from running came spilling out. She didn't know why. This was obviously her own home, yet she felt a little awkward. This mess of uneven breathing, she didn't know whether it came from exhaustion or nervousness.
Wang Meili panted as she tried to organize her words. Jin Yu sat cross-legged on the floor, staring at the screen. The two of them were just as they had always been, as though nothing had happened that afternoon, as though her being away from home for so many days had never happened either, as though the surprise he had spent days planning was of no importance at all.
“Did you get the nucleic acid test done afterward?”
“No.” He hadn't been planning to go back in the first place.
“If you're not going back, won't your parents worry?”
He was an only child and had a good relationship with his parents. During the New Year, the family was always supposed to be together. He had once told her that, in his first year in France, his parents had been reluctant to leave him there alone at such a young age, so the whole family had flown to France specifically to spend the New Year with him.
After a moment's hesitation, he answered honestly, “They will.”
For the past two days, his parents had asked him every day whether he'd booked his ticket, whether he'd gotten the nucleic acid test, what time he'd arrive. Jin Yu had told them he had to work overtime and would return on the very last day. One of his coworkers had discovered before boarding that he was missing his nucleic acid test report and hadn't been able to go home, so Jin Yu had planned to copy that trick, lie to his family, and spend the New Year with Wang Meili. These past two days, he couldn't think about his parents. Whenever he did, it felt like a blade through his heart.
But he couldn't leave. He had made a bet with himself.
“Go back. I'll take you.”
“There are no tickets left.” With every other seat blocked off, tickets were difficult to get.
“Let me see.” Wang Meili took out her phone, wanting to contact a friend and ask about getting an internal ticket.
“You want me to leave that badly?” Jin Yu's lips curled upward. He smiled, looking terribly tired.
His eyes were still clear, but the emotion showing in them had already seen straight through her. The once-adoring look in his eyes had now become disappointment.
“That's not...” The conviction in her voice was obviously lacking.
A few establishing shots on the television stretched out the silence between them. They hadn't spoken for a long time, and neither had the television.
Not until Wang Meili grew tired of standing did the sound effects sluggishly begin again. She wanted to sit on the bed. She had only taken two steps when a loud sniff sounded out.
The sound struck her like a whip. She felt a little embarrassed, and a little sad.
Over the past few days, Jin Yu's emotions had risen and fallen again and again, from the red of joy to the gray of dejection, and now to a calm, snowy white.
He was a rather honest person. He wouldn't lie to himself. So when he realized that Wang Meili had always regarded him as nothing more than a bed partner and had never invested any emotion in him, the flame in his chest went directly from anger to calm.
This was his own fault. He was the one who had stubbornly pursued her.
She had been honest. Whatever he asked, she answered lazily. Whether what came from her mouth was true or false wasn't important to her. She had never hesitated to make clear her position that she had no interest in falling in love. When he asked about that man, she had openly admitted that she was interested. What could he do? Wasn't it all his own fault for getting carried away with wishful thinking and misunderstanding her intentions?
That afternoon, when he heard movement at the door, he hid in the bathroom. Even at that moment, he was still holding on to hope, wanting to give her a fright. Maybe those messages on WeChat, the ones in which she had lied and said she was home, had only been casual replies, with no actual intention to deceive. After all, she had never had much patience.
But there had been a man's voice... a voice he had heard before.
Jin Yu froze where he was, as though his acupoints had been sealed. He heard the pots, bowls, and utensils outside performing a symphony, then heard the space beyond the door suddenly fall quiet. He adjusted his breathing and walked out to find the room in complete disarray. It was as though God had split open the carefully decorated peace he had constructed and exposed the ugly truth beneath it.
After cleaning up the room, he packed his luggage, then slept for a while. He knew she would come back, because of him, and within these next two days.
After living together day and night for two months, he had at least that much confidence.
Jin Yu had to wait for her. He had to ask her one question.
When he finally spoke again, his voice was like something that had traveled through a desert, dry and cold, scraping painfully against the ear. “You've been in contact with him this whole time, haven't you?”
Hearing the congestion in his voice, Wang Meili felt as though she could barely breathe. “Mm...”
Jin Yu turned his face toward the window. “I understand.”
“You...”
He raised his voice. “Don't talk!” He didn't want to hear her speak anymore.
Fine fragments of light and shadow spread across the melancholy floor like drifting sand.
Wang Meili walked over to the little quail curled into a ball before her and pulled at the corner of her mouth helplessly. “I’m a pretty bad person, aren’t I? I’m sorry.”
She sighed. “I didn’t know you hadn’t left.”
“You knew... what would happen if I hadn’t left?”
“I would’ve told you to go.” He had a home. He should go home.
“Would you... go out?” He rarely cried, so he didn’t know how to cry. He didn’t know how ridiculous it was to speak while crying. At this moment, his handsome face was twisted like a discarded rag.
“I...”
Before she could defend herself, Jin Yu answered for her. “You would! Because you don’t care.”
Never in her life had Wang Meili been cornered like this, yet she was completely unable to get angry. She tried to brush away the sweat at his temple, to comfort him. She wanted to say, don’t cry, it’s only some cheap love and sex, not worth this.
The emotions Jin Yu had suppressed for three days collapsed all at once. From the moment she appeared, it was as though his whole body had been thrown into a meat grinder, leaving him barely able to breathe.
He was in this much pain, while she remained so calm. The difference in their ability to handle emotions was immediately obvious. No wonder she could handle men so easily. If he had that kind of ability too, perhaps he could be a little more composed at this moment.
Wang Meili had many words trapped in her chest, waiting to be spoken, but when faced with Jin Yu, she seemed unable to say a single one. Maybe she needed some time to arrange them.
“Did you know...” He gave his face a quick wipe and smiled bitterly. “I wanted... next year... to take you home with me for the New Year?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” This was the consequence of his own wishful thinking.
Fortunately, his upbringing was still intact. He took a deep breath and said politely, with a distance between them, “Thank you for taking me in.”
“You and I both know this has nothing to do with taking you in.” There was no need to make his own situation sound so cheap.
He avoided the hand she reached toward him and walked to the kitchen. He only wanted to pour himself a glass of water, but the moment he stood up, his heart suddenly began pounding wildly. His body trembled, and a dim halo of light enclosed him from behind, as though he were casting a spell.
A thought suddenly came to him. The instant it appeared, he had already rejected it, but he still wanted to hear her say that she didn’t love him. He wanted to hear her mock him coldly.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Mm. Go ahead.” Wang Meili was prepared. Tonight, she wouldn’t lie.
Jin Yu hesitantly lifted his head. His eyes brimmed with moisture, but it no longer gathered into a flood.
Wang Meili quietly met his gaze and waited for him to speak. They had said very little that night. She thought this was the beginning of a conversation.
But...
“Est-ce que tu m’aimes?”
“Do you love me?”
Wang Meili’s lips moved slightly. Before she could speak, Jin Yu rushed out the door, abruptly ending the conversation.
It seemed he already knew the answer. That made sense. If love were something so cheap, no one would sing its praises.
Wang Meili thought he had merely gone out to get some air. After all, the apartment was too small, and the atmosphere too oppressive. She never expected that he would never come back.
Wang Meili slumped onto the bed and moved the ashtray from beneath it onto the orange stool. She lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, then another, sucking desperately as though she were starved of oxygen, without breathing out.
She sat there as though she had stopped breathing, staring blankly at one spot, lost in thought. Amid the shifting light and shadows, his black-framed glasses lay on the floor, their lenses continually reflecting rainbow light toward her. His iridescent sneakers were still by the door as well.
When the cigarette had burned halfway down, Wang Meili suddenly grew irritated and crushed the remaining half out with force. Fuck. He hadn’t taken his glasses, his shoes, or his coat. How far could he possibly have gone?
#
#
It was not only that night. Jin Yu did not appear for the entire week.
Wang Meili didn’t know whether he had gone home. She tried looking for him, and the only lead she had was his classmate’s home. Once, while driving past the building, Jin Yu had mentioned that he hadn’t expected his classmate to start dating so quickly. The apartment he had bought was in Building 11, Unit 1101. Everyone used to laugh that he would grow old alone.
He was an enthusiastic young man who had also studied in France. Surprised, he asked, “Are you Jin Yu’s girlfriend?”
Wang Meili decided not to make things more difficult for Jin Yu. Smiling, she said, “If it looks like it, then I guess I am.”
The young man clapped his hands together and happily jumped up on the spot, as energetic and adorable as Jin Yu had been when she first met him.
Of course, he wasn’t as handsome as Jin Yu.
“I knew it! So that’s what this was, hiding a beauty away like a golden house and being all mysterious about it. It’s just an older woman, younger man relationship.”
Wang Meili kept the smile on her face, secretly annoyed. Hmph. So everyone really could tell that she was older than Jin Yu. She hated gravity.
Hei Gou made a phone call, only for Jin Yu to hang up on him coldly. When he came to the door, he seemed to understand at once and asked, “Jiejie, did you two have a fight?”
Wang Meili said, “Yeah. If he wants to leave, he should at least take his luggage with him. Leaving it piled up in my room is ridiculous.”
Hei Gou immediately became anxious and hurriedly tried to persuade her. “Don’t! That’s just his shitty temper. Don’t get angry! Jiejie, don’t lower yourself to his level. He’ll regret it in a few days! Jin Yu hasn’t dated much, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Don’t believe the angry things he says. I’ll talk to him...”
When she went back later, Hei Gou was helpless too, no longer as enthusiastic as he had been when they first met. He said, “Just leave the luggage there. He said he doesn’t want it anymore.”
Then he tried asking Wang Meili, “Jiejie, are you two dating?”
Wang Meili pretended to be confused. “What? Does it not look like we are?”
Hei Gou clicked his tongue and nodded at her. “I think you are. Otherwise, how could he say something as disgusting as, ‘She doesn’t love me’?” Coming from Jin Yu’s mouth, that line was so sour it could last until next New Year.
Wang Meili hid the bitterness in her heart. “Did he go home?”
“He won’t let me say.” Hei Gou made a zipping motion across his mouth, then shook his head at her, giving her the answer.
“Is that so?” Where could he have gone? Wang Meili smiled. “All right, then. Wish him a happy New Year for me.”
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