Extra. Jiang Xi 1
Jiang Xi does not know what her surname is, or what she is called. Of her mother she has only a vague impression, no face, no shape, like a gray shadow in an ink-wash painting, shifting and moving.
She called her “xixi,” “xixi.”
She vaguely remembers that Mama once held her. She sat in Mama’s arms eating pumpkin baba fried to a golden color, fragrant, and she ate until her mouth and little hands were slick with oil.
Beyond that, there are no other impressions.
She does not remember how she was abandoned. Her memory seems to skip, and suddenly she is wandering by a strange roadside. At first she crawled about, later she found herself a small stick.
She quite liked the garbage heaps. Inside there were oranges, apples, biscuits, and dirty building blocks, dolls.
When Jiang Tian appeared by her side, she does not know.
She sat beside a trash bin, eating a birthday cake someone had thrown away, smack-smack licking the cream off the cardboard, when she noticed a little boy pop out, standing to one side, staring eagerly at the cake in her hands.
He did not speak, but his stomach growled.
At that time, Jiang Tian was so, so small, as if he could barely stand steady, as though a gust of wind might knock him over.
Jiang Xi gave him cake to eat, and he followed her from then on.
At that time, she was not yet five, and Jiang Tian was only two.
Two-year-old Jiang Tian could not speak. Whatever she said, he did not respond, did not answer.
But Jiang Xi persisted in talking to him:
“This rice, it smells bad, can’t eat it.”
“This apple is still good, can eat it.”
“So many little birds, what are they saying?”
Jiang Tian did not respond, only gnawing on his fingers.
Jiang Xi told him, “I am jiejie. You are didi.”
“I am your jiejie.”
“You have to call me jiejie.”
Each time, Jiang Tian would stare at her for a while, then turn his head away, distracted by the birds flying past.
The two of them held hands during the day, wandering back and forth among the garbage heaps. Jiang Tian did not speak, nor look at her, but followed obediently like a tail. At night, they squeezed together to sleep like two little lambs.
Soon, they were taken in by an orphanage.
The uncles and aunties pointed at Jiang Tian and asked Jiang Xi, “What is he to you?”
Before Jiang Xi could speak, Jiang Tian said blankly, “Jiejie.”
That was the first time he spoke in his life.
Little Jiang Xi nodded heavily, gripping his hand tight. “He is my didi.” She remembered he had been added to her, remembered Mama saying during the New Year “add fortune, add longevity,” and so she said in her childish voice, “My didi is called Tiantian.”
Jiang Xi liked the orphanage. The aunties washed her and Jiang Tian clean, changed them into new clothes, picked the lice clean from her hair, and braided it into pretty little plaits.
She could eat until she was full, no longer had to go hungry.
The uncles and aunties also gave her a small crutch. She quickly got the hang of it, and could support herself with the crutch to climb up and slide down the slide. She liked the slide, and she also liked hopscotch.
Jiang Tian gradually began to speak as well, one word, two words popping out. No one else could understand, but Jiang Xi would know at once what he was saying, what he wanted.
At that time, strange adults would often come to the orphanage and look over every child. After these adults left, some of the little companions would disappear.
The uncles and aunties said they had been taken away by new Mama and Papa, brought to happy homes.
No new Mama and Papa ever chose her.
Some, upon seeing her face, were delighted, but when they saw her foot, they sighed in regret.
At that time, little Jiang Xi vaguely understood that her earliest Mama must not have liked her foot, and so had thrown her away.
But she did not know why her foot was missing a small piece. It was not as if she had done it on purpose.
Every time, there were adults who took a liking to Jiang Tian. But as soon as he opened his mouth to call out, those adults would show an expression of “no wonder he hasn’t been adopted yet.”
Little Jiang Xi would hurriedly gather the even smaller Jiang Tian into her arms.
At night, they slept together. She told him stories, whether or not he could understand. Jiang Xi liked to hold Jiang Tian while sleeping. Only like this could she sleep at ease.
She was very afraid that one day someone would take only her, or only him. She did not want that.
After living there for a year, a couple came in and at first glance took a liking to Jiang Xi. Even upon seeing her crutch and her disabled foot, they did not mind.
That woman was frail and gentle. She bent down, patted Jiang Xi’s head, smiled at her softly, and said, “Good child.”
Jiang Xi turned her head somewhat flustered, her gaze searching for the uncles and aunties, but they only smiled at her.
The uncles and aunties said she had new Mama and Papa.
Jiang Xi felt a little afraid. She was somewhat reluctant to leave the orphanage. But she was also a little happy. So many children had been taken away by Mama and Papa. It seemed she had once again become a child no one wanted.
And she also hoped for new Mama and Papa, a new home.
The uncles and aunties said only she would go to the new home. This time she refused, her eyes brimming with tears but her voice firm. Though she wanted new Mama and Papa, she could not be separated from her didi.
Very soon, the auntie told her with a smile that her new Mama and Papa were very kind, and agreed to take her didi along as well. She also told her that the new home had a very, very big house, and that she would live a very happy life from then on.
Jiang Xi did not quite understand what the auntie had said, but since the new Mama and Papa agreed to take Tiantian along, she already liked them. They must be very good people.
Very soon, the car to pick her up arrived. It was a very big and beautiful car, gleaming and spotless. Jiang Xi held Jiang Tian’s hand, climbed in with curiosity and excitement, looking left and right. Before she could even process it, the car had already started moving. She hurriedly turned back, only catching the sight of the uncles and aunties waving to her through the rear window.
With one turn, the orphanage was gone.
The Jiang family lived on a mountain, like something out of a fairy tale, with a vast, vast lawn and a house like a palace.
The car stopped. Just as she was about to get out with her crutch, the new Papa said, “That thing, you won’t need it anymore.”
She froze for a moment. Then the car door opened, and an older girl smiled at her. “I’m A-Wen.” As she spoke, she lifted the small Jiang Xi into her arms, then instructed Jiang Tian, “You’re called Tiantian, right? Come with me.”
Jiang Xi was still a child, but she had never been held like a child before. Startled, she wrapped her arms around A-Wen’s neck.
A-Wen smiled, eyes curved. “Don’t be afraid. I’m very strong, I won’t drop you.”
She asked in a small voice, “Should I call you Wen-jiejie?”
“If you want to, of course that’s good. If you don’t want to, just calling me A-Wen is fine too.”
Jiang Xi called out crisply, “Wen-jiejie.”
A-Wen paused, then smiled again. “You’re the older sister, but you also want a jiejie yourself, right? Then from now on, I’ll be your jiejie.”
They lived in the small west building. She had a bedroom like a princess, and a bed soft like clouds.
A-Wen set her down on the sofa. Jiang Xi had never sat on a sofa before and jumped in surprise. So sofas were this soft. Like cotton candy.
Her new home was a candy house from a fairy tale.
Very soon, A-Wu also came. Like A-Wen, he was only fifteen or sixteen. The moment he saw her, he reached out and stroke her head, saying, “Such a pretty little girl.”
Snacks had already been laid out in the house.
Jiang Xi had just arrived and felt shy about eating. Jiang Tian, on the other hand, looked around curiously.
After the others left, Jiang Xi secretly opened a packet of biscuits, took a bite herself, and beckoned Jiang Tian to eat too. The bedroom was quiet, filled only with the crunching sounds of two children eating biscuits.
As she ate, Jiang Xi smiled happily, eyes curved, watching Jiang Tian. Seeing him dressed in the best clothes the orphanage had given, clean and tidy, eating biscuits he did not have to fight others for, she felt very happy.
Suddenly, from the small sitting room on the second floor came a bright, clear laugh of a boy. “Where’s my sister? Where is she?”
Jiang Xi froze, hurriedly hiding the biscuits behind her back. Jiang Tian stopped blankly, his mouth full of biscuit crumbs.
The next second, a boy of twelve or thirteen ran in. His eyes fixed on Jiang Xi, then he suddenly smiled. “Oh my god, why do you look like a doll!”
Little Jiang Xi did not know what to say. Her hands were still behind her back, holding half a biscuit.
“What are you hiding behind you?”
She timidly brought her hand out.
He paused. “Eat, why be afraid?” As he spoke, he tore open the small cakes, candies, sandwich biscuits, popping candy… in front of her all at once. “They’re all yours. Eat whatever you want.”
Jiang Huai brought a handful of Swiss candy to her. “Eat…”
She grabbed some and stuffed them into her mouth.
“Tasty?”
She nodded.
“Hey! I’m Jiang Huai, your gege.” He said, “If anyone bullies you, tell me. I’ll help you beat them up. But no one in this house would dare bully you.” This big child added proudly, “You’re called Jiang Xi. In all of Jiangzhou, no one would dare bully you. And no one would dare bully Tiantian either.”
Jiang Tian did not respond, silently eating the Swiss candy Jiang Xi handed him.
Jiang Xi said, “Tiantian, this is gege.”
Jiang Tian stared at the single sofa to one side, not speaking.
Jiang Huai laughed. “It’s fine. I think he’s shy with strangers. He’ll get better later.”
In the past years, Jiang Huai’s mother had been pregnant several times in succession, but none of the children were kept, and some who were born died young.
The younger siblings Jiang Huai had waited for never came.
Now, all at once, they had come.
He liked his newly arrived younger brother and sister very much. Of course, because of communication issues, he liked Jiang Xi a bit more.
At the beginning, Jiang Huai did not yet understand Jiang Xi’s habits, so he did everything according to his own imagination. He thought girls all liked snacks, especially children. He himself was a child, but in front of Jiang Xi he always put on the manner of an adult. Jiang Xi would also always obediently and earnestly listen to him, thinking he knew everything, admiring him, saying gege was amazing. He was very proud.
He bought her many delicious snacks, fruits, and cakes, almost moving the entire supermarket into the house.
Little Jiang Xi would pull Jiang Tian along, and the two of them would sit in a pile of colorful snacks, munching away.
Jiang Huai ate too, and watched them eat, saying with satisfaction, “A-Xi, you’re like a little mouse.”
At that time, Jiang Xi was eating Oreo. Hearing this, she was stunned. Slowly she put the biscuit down and stared at him blankly.
“Why did you stop eating?”
“I’m not a mouse. Mice are bad, they steal things.” She said, “You gave this to me. I didn’t steal it.”
Jiang Huai burst out laughing. “I meant, when you eat biscuits, the sound is crisp and crunchy. Very cute.”
“Mice are not cute.”
“Alright, then a squirrel. You’re like a cute little squirrel.”
Jiang Xi smiled. “I like squirrels.”
Jiang Huai added, “But I have to tell you, saying that mice steal things, that’s from a human perspective. If you think from the mouse’s point of view, how would it know those are human things? It is only working hard to find food. What did it do wrong?”
Jiang Xi was left dazed by what he said. She felt it made sense. She did not dislike mice as much anymore, but she still did not want to be a little mouse.
A little squirrel would be about right.
Jiang Huai bought her many toys as well, genuine Barbie dolls, not cheap at all. Girls all like them.
Jiang Xi obediently said thank you, gege, but she did not play with them much. She did not seem to like Barbie very much.
One day, A-Wu told him that Barbie dolls all had healthy, beautiful feet. Little sister A-Xi did not.
Jiang Huai froze, and immediately had someone gather up all the Barbie dolls at once and clear them away.
He bought her stickers instead, colorful ones that could be stuck on her forehead, her face, her ears. She liked playing with them, but after a while, there were no new tricks left.
Jiang Huai then bought her plush toys and dolls, Doraemon, Garfield, Hello Kitty, Miffy… until one day, he brought back a My Melody wearing a dress.
Jiang Xi’s eyes lit up. “She’s so cute!”
She hugged the My Melody and could not put it down, even wanting to hold it to sleep at night.
Very soon, she had many My Melodys, in different sizes, different shapes. The house even added a large, beautiful cabinet just to store her My Melodys.
She also had My Melody hair clips, shoes, blankets, pillows, a little water cup, a little schoolbag, small towels, small scarves.
Jiang Huai said, “A-Xi, you’re just as cute as My Melody.”
Jiang Xi nodded happily. “Mm!”
“You also have to be as happy as My Melody!”
Little Jiang Xi nodded twice. “Mm, mm!”
Jiang Huai also went out together with A-Wu and A-Wen, taking Jiang Xi out to play, going to supermarkets, malls, toy stores, letting her choose whatever she liked.
That day, they returned with full arms.
But only that once.
After Jiang Chenghui found out, he called Jiang Huai away and gave him a scolding. He said that his younger sister’s legs and feet were inconvenient, she should not go out. He also said that she was disabled, that people outside would laugh at her, would hurt her. She was still young now and did not understand, but later she would be deeply hurt.
At that time, Jiang Huai himself was still a child, and he listened to his father.
Jiang Xi did not go out again for two years.
During those two years, she played in the small west building and on the lawn of the Jiang family estate. She played with her My Melodys, talking to them, playing games.
When Jiang Huai was at school, she spoke the most with Wen-jiejie and Jiang Tian, to the point that Jiang Tian began to speak in short sentences.
After school, Jiang Huai would tell Jiang Xi about things at school. Jiang Xi longed for it, and also wanted to go to school.
Once, when Jiang Huai came back from school, he brought his painting brushes and paints from art class for her to play with.
Jiang Xi curiously scribbled on paper. She drew Papa, Mama, gege, herself, and Jiang Tian, and in the corner there were also A-Wu and A-Wen.
Jiang Huai thought she drew very well. He praised her as a genius, immediately taking the drawing to show Mama, saying, “Little sister is a genius! Her drawings are better than everyone in our class, no, better than everyone in our whole school.”
Madam Jiang unexpectedly liked that drawing very much. She told Jiang Chenghui about it, and Jiang Chenghui then invited a teacher to come and teach Jiang Xi painting.
With that, Jiang Xi’s life was no longer so monotonous. There was now this one more thing, painting.
Jiang Xi liked her new Mama very much. Her embrace was warm, but she had always been ill, too frail. She often called Jiang Xi to come sit with her. She let her sit on the carpet eating snacks, playing with My Melody, talking with Jiang Tian.
She lay on the sickbed, quietly watching her.
After Jiang Xi learned to paint, she always painted Mama.
Mama Jiang liked it very much, and told Jiang Chenghui that Jiang Xi should keep learning painting, continue with it.
And before she died, she also said that Jiang Xi should be sent to school.
Jiang Chenghui agreed, and then sent her to a special school.
Jiang Xi was still happy. She could go to school now. She had never attended any other school, and at first she thought that was what a normal school was like.
When she realized that none of the children were like gege, A-Wu, and A-Wen, she persuaded herself and could understand it. It was like how good things are put together in one place, and broken things are picked out and placed in another place.
She was a broken child, missing a corner.
She was different from normal people, so she had to be placed in a special school.
No matter what, being able to go to school already made her very satisfied.
She tried to make friends with everyone. But in this school, even children like her, who were only physically disabled, were very, very few, only two or three who were several grades older than her. Naturally, the older children were unwilling to play with her.
The others, such as blind children and deaf-mute children, tended to stay within their own circles. More of them were like Jiang Tian, autistic children, or those with even more severe intellectual disabilities.
Still, she would always go over, managing to say a sentence or two with them. All kinds of messy topics, talking about anything.
Only, as she gradually grew older and entered adolescence, there was less and less to say.
Everyone had their own thoughts. She did too.
She should not have been lonely. At school, there were always classmates around her, signing with their hands, feeling Braille; after school, A-Wu and A-Wen would be waiting at the gate; at home, there was also Tiantian, and gege.
But…
Jiang Xi could not quite put it into words.
For a long time she sat in the studio, lay sprawled over the bay window in her bedroom, watching the mountains and woods outside as sun turned to rain, as spring, summer, autumn, and winter cycled in turn. She remembered the place of every tree, every flower.
Year after year, the days repeated like tree rings, monotonous, repeating, repeating, and repeating again. She was like a little princess trapped in a high tower in a fairy tale.
By then, she could hardly remember that nameless, formless self from childhood. Little by little, she had become Jiang Xi. Like a blank sheet of paper, without social ties, raised in confinement, Jiang Xi.
In her sixteenth year, she grew somewhat listless. It would not be accurate to call it something as serious as that; more precisely, she simply could not muster energy for anything.
She did not even paint as much as she used to.
Jiang Huai thought she had been stifled for too long and wanted to take her out to have some fun, but Jiang Chenghui still refused. So Jiang Huai invited people to the house instead. He said Jiang Xi had already painted all the servants in the house and needed new models.
But he worried that the strange looks of these outsiders might hurt Jiang Xi, so every model he invited had to be given a lesson in advance by A-Wu: “If the young miss does not call you, you are not to look at her. Your gaze must not linger on her. No matter what you see, anything you see, hear, or that happens in the Jiang household, you are not to utter a single word about it. Otherwise—”
When Jiang Xi learned that people from outside were coming to be her models, she was thrilled.
The first to come was a girl. The girl was nervous and cautious, not saying a word. Jiang Xi was just as nervous, looking at her with a mix of curiosity and excitement.
It was a pity that the girl never once looked at her. Jiang Xi gazed at her eagerly for a long time, shy and uneasy, not knowing what to say, and just like that, it passed.
The second time it was also a girl. This time, Jiang Xi tentatively asked in a small voice, “What is your name?”
The girl mumbled a few words. Jiang Xi did not catch them, but felt too embarrassed to ask again. She nodded quickly, saying in a rush, “My name is Jiang Xi.”
After saying that, her face flushed red, and she asked, “Can we be friends?”
The girl looked at her in surprise, unable to help but look her up and down.
Jiang Xi was wearing a dress that day. The girl saw her legs and was so startled she nearly jumped, suddenly understanding what the Jiang family bodyguard’s warning before she came had meant.
The girl almost fell off her stool, turned her head away and refused to look at her again, trembling as she said, “I won’t say anything! I definitely won’t say anything!”
Jiang Xi froze, slowly closed her mouth, and after a long while, tried to tug her skirt down. It would not move. She tucked her left foot behind her right.
The boys who came were the same.
Gradually, she stopped hoping.
She played by herself, quietly observing each of them. As she painted, she guessed how old they were, what they did.
She saw red mud on one girl’s shoes and wondered if she had been somewhere with red soil. Unfortunately, she was not familiar with Jiangzhou. She saw a stain on a boy’s T-shirt. He had just eaten ice cream. Chocolate flavor. Did he like chocolate?
She observed every detail of them and found it very interesting.
She would also imagine their lives. Were they a family of three or four? Where did they live? How did they make a living? Was their family harmonious?
This game of inference and guessing was enough to occupy her for a very, very long time in her monotonous life.
But playing the same game for over a year lost its appeal. Especially when these people were so uniform and dull. They seemed to have no personalities or will of their own, all with the same expression, the same look in their eyes.
Was this what the outside world and the people out there were like? Then it did not seem very good.
But one day, a lively girl came. Her eyes were big, her smile just as big. “My name is Fang Xiaoshu, I’m still a student. What about you, where do you go to school? What are your hobbies? Do you follow celebrities? Do you read youth novels? ‘Huaji Yuji’ is really popular lately, you know?…”
Jiang Xi had never encountered a stranger who spoke so much to her, and there were so many questions she could not answer.
She grew a little flustered, unprepared, and in the end, could not say a single word.
Fang Xiaoshu seemed a little discouraged, and fell silent, sitting on the chair, bored, waiting for her to finish painting.
After she left that day, Jiang Xi felt a faint melancholy. Only afterward did she realize she might have missed a friend.
Slowly, she spoke to herself, “I go to a special school… My hobby is painting. Follow… celebrities? What is that? Can you tell me? Is it… watching the stars in the sky?… And what are youth novels? I read books too, fairy tales, Jane Austen, the Brontës, do you read them?… And ‘Huaji Yuji,’ what is it? A book or a song?”
The room was empty. No one answered.
Jiang Xi gave a small shrug. “Alright.”
She wanted to tell her brother to bring Fang Xiaoshu back, but she was afraid she would not be willing anymore. If her brother forced her to come, she did not want that.
But she did say she wanted Huaji Yuji.
Jiang Huai bought it and gave it to her.
So it was a book.
This was what a youth novel was?
She finished it, half understanding, half not. The high school lives of the boys and girls in it felt so novel, yet so foreign.
After that, Jiang Xi grew even more despondent, even more listless.
Until that day, Xu Cheng came.
When he pushed open the door, the sunlight of summer spilled across the world. He stood in the doorway framed by lush greenery, his voice languid, with a hint of impatience.
At that moment, Jiang Xi’s heartbeat seemed to stop for an instant, then crashed wildly against her chest.
That boy burst in like a free wind, as if entering an unguarded place. Her hair fluttered in the gust, the hem of her clothes snapping and rustling.
He was so free!
That was Jiang Xi’s first impression of him.
He was like a wind-filled sailboat, roaming freely through her studio, while she instead became the guest.
That day passed in a flash. When he was about to leave, she was so reluctant to let him go, she truly wanted to keep him, to invite him to stay and eat at her house.
But she was too shy, she did not know how to speak.
The moment the door closed, she stood there in a daze as if dreaming. Then she suddenly snapped awake and immediately hopped upstairs on one foot. Grabbing the stair railing, using both hands and feet, she jumped until her leg ached and sweat beaded on her forehead.
She looked out through the second-floor window and saw him holding a rolled-up painting, his figure receding into the distance.
Jiang Xi was filled with delight.
Summer was green, and his T-shirt was very white. Jiang Xi so hoped he would turn back and look once. She would definitely scream with joy!
But he walked fast, without turning his head.
Only when his figure had completely disappeared, when her eyes had grown sore from looking, did she step back.
Chasing stars?
She suddenly thought of that word.
Right now, she was chasing a star!
In the days that followed, she kept recalling every word Xu Cheng had said to her, every movement, every expression. She became happy.
From the very first moment they met, Jiang Xi wanted to see Xu Cheng forever.
At that time she was too young, and far too inexperienced in the ways of the world. She did not know, did not understand what liking was, what love was. She only instinctively wanted to see him, to hear him speak, or even not speak.
As long as she saw him, she was happy.
When she was separated from him, she was sad.
No matter what he did, she did not get angry. Even when he did not want to see her, drove her away, took her to an amusement park yet talked about Fang Xiaoshu, she did not get angry.
She would only feel a little sad, and Jiang Xi did not understand why she would feel sad.
Sadness was a very unfamiliar, and very rare emotion.
After meeting him, she felt sad every day. When she did not see him, she wanted to, and the wanting itself made her ache with sadness. When she did see him, they would eventually part, and she could not bear to part, and that too made her sad.
The number of times she felt sad seemed to exceed all the years before combined.
Sometimes, Jiang Xi’s heart would ache in sharp, pulsing spasms. When he told her never to come looking for him again. When he spoke of Fang Xiaoshu and said it had nothing to do with her. When she watched him turn and leave with Fang Xiaoshu…
That kind of pain was just as unfamiliar, yet deep and piercing. Sometimes, it made her want to cry.
At home, she never cried, except when reading tragic fairy tales. Ever since meeting him, there were so many times she wanted to cry.
And yet, even so, she still wanted to see him. Not once had she ever thought of never seeing him again.
Because there was also so much happiness. Hearing his languid voice through the receiver made her happy. Watching him play basketball made her unbelievably happy. When he came over and held her, she was so happy she felt she might faint…
That happiness was sweeter than the sweetest candy.
So after she escaped the Jiang household, when she met him on the boat, she felt that there must be a kind-hearted Bodhisattva in the heavens watching over her.
Jiang Xi did not understand much about the ways of human relations, but sometimes, she had strange intuitions that were uncannily accurate.
Just like at the beginning, when she kept calling him, going to his school to find him, and he did not want to see her. Even her brother tried to stop her, saying, “Liking is the hardest kind of thing to force,” “He does not like you.” Jiang Xi felt very sad, yet for some reason, she felt that he did not not like her.
Just like when she first boarded the boat, he lost his temper and, like a stranger, mercilessly drove her off. Jiang Xi was very hurt, yet she lingered stubbornly on the boat, always feeling he would take her in. And he really did open the door, saying he would only keep her for one day.
He said it like that, yet in the end, he kept her for more than two months.
Those more than two months were the happiest, most free, most carefree days of Jiang Xi’s life.
So this was what freedom felt like. She stood on the deck, reaching out to scoop up the wind. At the bow, she thought of nothing, gazing at the green river water below her feet, frothing with little bubbles. She lay by the window, watching the morning glow, the evening glow, the starry sky.
Even if she did nothing at all, lying on a bamboo mat, feeling the breeze from the electric fan, she still felt free.
So this was what the Yangtze River was like.
Fleeing outside, she should have been worried and afraid. But with Xu Cheng there, she had no worries at all.
Though they were clearly the same age, she always felt that even if the sky fell, Xu Cheng would hold it up and not let it crash down on her.
On the boat, that strange intuition of hers came again. Many of the things Xu Cheng said could not be trusted.
He did not dislike her. Not at all.
He had never truly wanted to drive her away either. She knew.
Xu Cheng always liked to call her foolish, but she was not a fool. She knew many things.
Even though he kept urging her to leave, even scolding her, he still cooked delicious meals for her, worried that she would pick at her food and not eat, worried about her being under the sun, worried about her being too hot, worried about her being bitten by mosquitoes. He bought her snacks, flowers, painting supplies, hair ties.
Even though he kept saying the Jiang family were no good, he still risked his life to snatch her back from Ye Si and flee.
Even if he did not keep her, even if he sent her off the boat, he still turned back…
At that time, Jiang Xi stood on the slope by the riverbank, watching his blue-green little boat drift away. She stood there stubbornly, stood and stood. Her intuition told her that he would definitely turn back.
And that single blast of the boat’s horn when he did turn back echoed in the depths of Jiang Xi’s heart ever since. Even in the countless nights after they later parted, it still sounded, calling out: “du—”
In truth, she did not understand why he was like that, so strange, saying one thing and meaning another. She was not like that. Whatever she thought in her heart, she said. She did not lie. But even if he was strange, she still liked him.
She liked him so much.
Her brother said that liking was the hardest thing in the world. Not at all. She liked him. Why was it so easy?
She truly wanted to be with him forever.
From August to October, as the weather gradually turned cold, Jiang Xi moved back and forth between the Jiang household and the boat, and she was still happy. Cold weather was good. When it was cold, he would hold her tightly. His body was so warm, like a gentle heater.
But being together did not seem so simple.
After Xu Cheng came to the Jiang household, this “being together” did not quite seem the same as what she had imagined.
Gradually, she began to worry. So much so that she felt perhaps it would be better to leave Jiangzhou with Xu Cheng, to go somewhere unfamiliar together.
But even though she worried a great deal during that time, even though they sometimes argued, being in love with him was still sweet and happy.
Xu Cheng was very busy working at the Jiang household, yet he always found time to take her out.
Jiang Chenghui had never allowed Jiang Xi to leave the house before, but after Xu Cheng arrived, she could go out.
It was absurd. Jiang Xi had grown to eighteen or nineteen without knowing how big Jiangzhou was, what it contained, what the city looked like.
It was Xu Cheng who took her all over Jiangzhou, to the upper and lower reaches of the river, to forest parks, to shopping malls and amusement parks, to bustling streets… every day she saw all kinds of human scenes.
So this was what Jiangzhou was like.
There was also one time when they were curled up on the sofa in the small western-style building, chatting. Jiang Xi casually mentioned a girl who had come as a model a year and a half ago. There had been red mud on her shoes. She had never seen red soil before.
Xu Cheng immediately said: in the hills near the old brick factory in Jiangzhou, that was the only place with red soil.
She was very curious, so he immediately took her to see it.
And that day, she really saw the red earth. She was so happy!
She had only seen and painted it before. Now she saw it with her own eyes!
He took her to eat hot pot, málàtàng for the first time… he taught her to play billiards, even taught her to ride a scooter…
Sometimes, when he was tired and did not want to go out, or when she was in the middle of painting and could not stop, Xu Cheng would lean on the daybed in the studio and watch her paint.
For a very, very long time.
At times like that, they might exchange a sentence or two, or perhaps not speak at all.
Jiang Xi liked the moments when he held her hand and led her all over Jiangzhou, and she also liked these quiet moments of companionship. Sometimes, she would lightly turn her head and meet his deep gaze fixed on her. Sometimes, his eyes would linger on her canvas, and following her movements, slowly shift to her eyes, with a faint smile. At other times, he would fall asleep, his expression peaceful, lashes lowered.
The sunlight indoors shifted from the golden hue of afternoon to the warm orange of dusk.
Later, in the small countryside village of Jiangcheng, Jiang Xi would often recall many moments she had spent with Xu Cheng.
When she lowered her head to mend her clothes, she would remember Xu Cheng teasing her for fastening her buttons wrong, reaching out to fix them for her, then pinching her chin and saying, “Even buttoned wrong, it still looks good, like an artistic style.”
When Xiao Qian was repairing a motorcycle, and she looked at him yet did not truly see him, she would remember Xu Cheng fixing the refrigerator on the boat under the blazing summer sun, giving her chilled watermelon to eat.
When the electric fan stirred the mosquito net into a soft flutter, and beside her Xiao Qian slept deeply, she would remember Xu Cheng closing his eyes and kissing her deeply, his hands warm as they moved over her whole body… Jiang Xi squeezed her eyes shut, curling into herself, trembling faintly.
At that time, Jiang Xi seemed to have shut off both love and hate. She was like a human-shaped storage of memories. Mechanically replaying each fragment of the past, without sorrow, without joy.
The Jiang family, crime, the dead, undercover work, deception… all of it was too vast. She could not process it. So she retreated vaguely into her shell.
Her heart was placed inside a glass cover, shutting out all feeling. She passed her days in a daze, slow and numb.
But one day, she saw a gardenia tree. By then, the flowering season had long passed, and all the blossoms had fallen. But one withered, yellow remnant flower still clung to a branch.
In that instant, Jiang Xi suddenly missed Xu Cheng with a kind of frenzy, so much that tears burst forth.
Xiao Qian was startled and quickly asked her in sign language what was wrong.
She sobbed uncontrollably, snatching his phone without care. Her hands trembled as she wiped her tears and snot with the back of her hand, crying as she pressed a “1.” But the digits that should follow, she did not press a single one.
Xu Cheng’s phone number, that string of digits was engraved in her mind, but it was useless now.
All of it was useless.
She was the daughter of a criminal. He was a hero of Jiangzhou.
He had used her. She deserved it.
He had caused her brother and Sister Wen to die. It could not be called “caused,” because he had done what was right, and in the eyes of outsiders, her brother and A-Wen were both great villains.
She too was a villain who deserved to die.
No matter how little she understood the world, she knew that it was useless.
After that, she grew quieter. And Xiao Qian worked even harder to coax her, taking her out, trying ways to make her happy. Slowly, she got a little better again.
After learning from Jiang Tian that she could draw but did not like paints, Xiao Qian bought her a sketchbook and pencils.
When Jiang Xi was alone, she drew the very first painting she had made of Xu Cheng.
She guessed that he must not have kept it, must have thrown it away.
But she remembered.
Her story with him, this entire vast painting, every tiny detail and color within it, she remembered all of it. She could redraw it all.
She still did not carry much emotion, like an observer, distantly watching every corner of that painting.
Going to work on the boat was one of Xiao Qian’s wise decisions.
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